In 2008 as a recently graduated nurse, I remember taking care of a transgender woman in the hospital. She was on suicide watch. She had tried to kill herself because she had been in a fight, gotten arrested, and was being sent to jail because she couldn’t afford bail. The police were insisting that she go to the male jail, but she knew she would be beaten and abused there. I will never forget the anger I felt when the Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner made a very crude comment about how the genitalia she was born with should determine which jail she should go to. It was beyond my comprehension how a mental health care professional could be so ignorant and heartless.
A lot of people in the LGBTQ community have difficult stories. My child’s is not one of them; our family’s story is one of hope. My daughter was a senior in high school when we noticed she was interested in becoming more active in the LGBTQ community – going to Time Out Youth, Gay Pride Parades. We didn’t pry; we simply tried to encourage her to let us know what was going on. We let her know we supported her wherever her life’s journey took her.
By her sophomore year in college, we got THE phone call. She needed to talk. She told us that she was transgender; our daughter was now our son. I remember getting off the phone and thinking to myself – she’s not pregnant or dropping out of school, we are good. My husband had an anguished look on his face. I asked what he was thinking, if he was upset by the news. He was feeling awful about all the daddy/daughter dances, proms and other activities through the years that were forced upon our child and had made our child so uncomfortable. All my husband could think about was that he’d wished he’d known sooner.
I’m not saying the journey has been completely smooth. We were unprepared for the speed with which our son wanted to move. He wanted to start HRT immediately and had done all the research and had selected a doctor. We were still digesting the information. We were also struggling with what to tell people, when to tell people and how to answer questions. We were about 100 steps behind our son which was a very unfamiliar place for a parent to be. We had a hard time letting go and letting this be his journey that we were participating in. But he was clearly driving this bus.
When we did communicate to friends and family, we did so by email with the help of a PFLAG volunteer. We had a very supportive extended family and friend group. There are friends we haven’t heard from and some who have told us they don’t understand, but we are committed to supporting our son even if it means losing friends. My mother-in-law, a devout Muslim, was not accepting or welcoming of the news. This was hurtful to all of us and there didn’t seem to be a lot we could do about it. She was terrified that her religious group would find out (never mind that she lived in Canada) and that she would be ostracized. My husband tried talking to her, but it didn’t seem to help.
So back to the theme of my story – hope. I realize that there are lots of bad things happening in the world and in the LGBTQ+ community. However, there are lots of positive things happening as well; progress is being made. Whenever I come across these hopeful nuggets, I collect them up like trinkets and send them to my son and his friends.
Let me share a few messages of hope:
- In 2018, the first transgender man fought in a professional boxing match.
- In 2019, Everlast named that same transgender man as the Face of Everlast.
- In 2020, Playboy Mexico featured a transgender woman on the cover.
- In 2020, former boxer Mike Tyson defended Dwyane Wade’s transgender daughter against transphobic comments.
- In 2021, Joe Biden nominated the first transgender woman to a cabinet position.
- In 2021, Joe Biden nominated the first openly gay person to a cabinet position.
- In 2019, LGBTQ people of color outnumbered white LGBTQ people in broadcast shows for the second year in a row according to GLAAD.
- In 2020, after the election, only three states remain that have not elected openly LGBTQ state legislators.
Most importantly to me, in 2020, my mother-in-law started referring to my son as Oliver and using his preferred pronouns of him/he/his. Oliver has even gotten several recipes, the occasional “I love you” and a few blown kisses over FaceTime.
While we still have a long way to go, I am hopeful that we are moving in the right direction. I will continue to collect and share my little nuggets of hope, knowing that one day they won’t be so extraordinary.
I am a 15 year old sophomore in a North Carolina high school, a member of the LGBTQ+, and my pronouns are she/her/hers. When I first came out as lesbian to my parents, I had been thinking about this day for a while. If I’m being honest, I thought they would be a lot nicer. Both of them said some very hurtful things to me. Words like “Do you know what will happen to our reputation if anyone knows about you?”, and “This shows you don’t care about how we feel”. I began to believe these words, and I was later diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
I never understood how being attracted to the same sex would be considered betrayal to my parents; I can’t help that I feel this way. I later found that a lot of teenagers and even adults have similar experiences when they come out. As human beings, we are all different, and none of us should have to apologize for who we love, or for who we are attracted to. I know what it is like to be in a crowd of people and still feel alone. The last thing I would want is for someone like me to feel alone as they’re becoming aware of their own identity. So I have taken my passion for supporting others, and have made it my mission to spread awareness.
I believe to move forward as a whole, we must come together and learn to accept others for who they are. Why? “LGBTQ+ youth who come from highly rejecting families are 8.4 times as likely to have attempted suicide as LGBTQ+ peers who reported no or low levels of family rejection.” (CDC). Following are some thoughts from some of my LGBTQ+ peers.
“I sadly don’t have accepting parents, but it would mean a lot to me because I feel like It’d make everything easier. I wouldn’t have to go hide anything, and I could just openly be myself.”
“Having accepting parents means the world to me. They support me in everything I do, and without them I would have no motivation.”
I once heard someone say that you can’t heal in the same room you got the sickness from. Just like that sickness, negativity is all around us. It’s time we come together, spread education, awareness, and positivity. We all bleed the same blood. Sexuality should not be something you have to hide, and nobody should be able to tell you who you are supposed to love. Be yourself. Be proud.
This year, at least 34 transgender individuals have been killed, the highest number since the Human Rights Campaign began tracking it in 2013. The sad reality is that, not only have the lives of at least 34 people been cut short, many of their killers will walk free. The trans panic defense, which is currently only banned in 11 states, allows people to claim that they killed someone in a panic after learning the victim was transgender. This defense is typically used against trans women, especially Black trans women who have been historically overrepresented in homicide counts. This year is no different. Of the 34 known homicides against trans and nonbinary individuals this year, 25 were women of color. We know that within the oppressive forces imposed on LGBTQ individuals exist systems of misogyny and white supremacy but why? What can we do about it?
One of the biggest dangers that I see even among other members of the LGBTQ+ community is the failure to remember that we can, and often do contribute to systems such as misogyny and white supremacy that disproportionately impact the members of our community that need us the most. It could even be argued that this phenomenon is even more dangerous within the community because, though we are fighting for the rights of our LGBTQ siblings, the myth that we can’t contribute to the oppression that we are fighting against leads us to exclude our siblings that have also been excluded by society. Even within our diverse community, trans women of color are often left underrepresented in leadership, unheard in discussions, and unseen in movements.
This Transgender Day of Remembrance, let us remember the at least 34 transgender individuals whose lives were violently and senselessly cut short. Let us continue to fight for legal protections for our community. But let us not forget that the work starts with ourselves, recognizing our biases and blindspots. Let us not forget to hold ourselves accountable in the same ways that we hold our oppressors accountable. Our lives and the lives of our siblings depend on it.
When my son Justin came out his junior year in high school, my wife and I were supportive and, in many ways, there was very little change in our relationship. Justin had an excellent group of friends and other kind and supportive adults in his life and he was extremely independent and confident, so we did not worry about him. In some ways, it may have brought us closer. Justin was so busy with school and theater we seldom had time to even discuss it – Justin was just always so driven and self-assured. Seems like he graduated and was off to college in the blink of an eye and our interactions were more infrequent as he poured himself into a double major and Elon’s theater program. It wasn’t until a few years later when Justin was dealing with some issues that my wife and I realized just how much Justin had internalized during his school years (especially middle school). When Justin finally decided to open up to us, we realized that Justin had effectively lost a significant part of his childhood. He was continuously worried that he would embarrass us if it came out that he was gay. That brought tears to my eyes because that meant that regardless of how “progressive” I thought I was – Justin’s perspective was that he could be an embarrassment. I don’t know the burden being gay carries – I’ve read about it – Justin has lived it especially here in the South, but I can’t say I know how it feels and I certainly don’t know how it feels to not have a childhood.
Now add to all of this the position held by most – not all – conservative churches regarding homosexuality and you can easily see how anyone who is LBGTQ would struggle mightily to find their way in our society. I will spare all of you the results of my own personal deep dives into Biblical hermeneutics, dissecting the original Greek and Hebrew (a difficult task considering I barely eked out a C- in French). What I can tell you is – that as I look back with 20/20 hindsight – I wish I had held Justin close and told him (the first time that I thought that he might be effeminate or gay or different than his other friends) that he was perfect just the way he was. I wish I had told him that he was enough and that I loved him, that I was proud of him and that without question he is a beautiful creation of God – who also loves him – and to be himself because he could never ever do anything to embarrass me or anyone else. I also wish we had changed churches sooner than we did, but that is a story for another entire blog in and of itself.
My journey began four years ago when our smart, introverted child, took on an unrecognizable attitude. My child had recently turned 15, so my husband and I assumed that she was simply showing the “symptoms” of adolescence. Nevertheless, we were still very worried and wanted to help our child.
We had noticed shifts — more isolated, even sad. We observed changes in how she presented herself to the world — a short hair cut, more masculine attire. We began to wonder if perhaps our child was lesbian and didn’t know how to tell us.
One night, not knowing what else to do, my husband simply asked our child if she identified as lesbian, and she said yes. Now that our child was out, we thought the behavior would improve, but the depression got worse.
We were scared, and we didn’t understand. We found a therapist who told us after several sessions that our child had something to share with us when they were ready. It wasn’t long before our child left us a letter under our bedroom door.
The letter said that, after much thought and analysis, our child was ready to accept that he identified not as a girl, but rather as a boy. At first, I was shocked. I kept asking him if he was sure. Then I remembered that my child was never easily influenced and had always known what he wanted. I knew that he had done the research, and that he had no doubt about who he was.
As my husband and I supported our child with his transition, we worried a lot about bullying from classmates and the community in general. We also were not sure how to explain the transition to my mother. Would he find acceptance and support in our Hispanic community, at school, and within our family?
Our worries brought us to PFLAG Charlotte, a nonprofit organization that supports families, allies and LGBTQ individuals. We found understanding and advice in the peer support groups offered by PFLAG Charlotte. They helped us find affirming healthcare providers for transgender individuals. They even offered Spanish-language publications for my mother. As someone who plays a prominent role in my child’s life, it was important that she have her own resources.
PFLAG Charlotte guided us through the most complicated period of our lives. I am committed to giving back to the organization, and we are working to increase PFLAG resources for communities of color in Charlotte.
My son has overcome enormous challenges in order to be true to who he is: a happy, brilliant 18 year old who earned a full scholarship to an excellent university.
I didn’t end up having the daughter I anticipated, but I have a son who is full of all the traits I’ve admired since he was a child. PFLAG envisions a world where diversity is celebrated and all people are respected, valued and affirmed – inclusive of their sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression. With the help of PFLAG Charlotte, I believe this vision will come true.
Beaming at me, he said, “I can’t wait until everyone sees me and says ‘SHE’S so pretty’” I knew then our lives would change forever.Read More
“The words that follow are tied to the documentary video with regards to welcome that I posted yesterday (last week). . . . I can’t in good conscience be silent about some of the stories I collected.” Read More
“As a documentary artist . . . I wanted to explore welcome from the perspective of the receiver. Those who walk into faith communities and may or may not feel welcome.”Read More
Author: Amanda Dumas, PFLAG Parent